God, Shoes, and Shorts

I'm going to start this one off with something on the not so funny side of life (understatement alarm!). It will be over in a second (in 10 minutes to be honest), so if you can spare the time please watch this video in which Oscar Wilde Stephen Fry talks about why he thinks that the catholic church is NOT a force for good in the world. It's better than going to the dentist. I promise. Not better than the effects of anesthesia though.



Now let's make a 180 degree turn and talk about some brighter, yet not less frightening topics in life. As some of you already know, I surrendered to destiny and decided to pop-torture myself in the worst way known to humankind.

1) I will practice the dance steps to Beyonce's "Single Ladies"
2) and will perform said dance
3) in appropriate costume
4) in a hipster location of choice
5) after asking the DJ to play the song
6) and keep photographic as well as written eveidence of my popcultural anthropological experience/nightmare

I will almost certainly chicken out this time (give me a break, I already did soooo many weird things. Green christmas-y pj-bottoms? That RHPS re-enactment? "I'm a barbie girl" AND "Jolene" in a certain bar I only found because I bonded with a gay guy over discussing Britney's "Womanizer" video? I don't know what this glorious country did to me. Besides transforming my accent into something undeniably deniable, and besides getting me hooked on American Apparel, bagels, brownies, Sunday Sundaes, those coloured cereals, waffles, busses with WiFi, and shiny happy people with amazingly regular titan-white teeth).

And since I will probably not do it, I need YOU! Yes, YOU! You will have to think of something equally meaningful and world-shattering to do, in order to build up group pressure. Then we can all shame each other into doing things that really matter in our lives. As an imbursement for your time and help you will receive two special limited gifts:

1) my never-ending appreciation (depends)

2) a free once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to write a blog entry for fashflash (guaranteed. might be erased if not funny)

Because I'm a really nice girl I already thought about some of the things YOU could do. For example, write my master thesis (only if you get an A), be one of my harajuku followers, or be my Lady Gaga counterpart at the big day out. OK, enough hipness, let's change topic...again....

Did you know that researchers finally found the world's ugliest shoes? Now you do:


Scholars also found the world's most elaborately patterned shorts (thanks for the tip, Ms S)

To be honest, I feel a little sorry for Mischa lately. She was a really promising actress when she started. And with that I don't mean The O.C., duhh! dadada-dadam-dadada-dadam, California here we come, dupidupidupiduuuu. Maybe Mischa just needs a care bear to hug her and everything will be alright. I'm a believer!

On the bright side, academics also discovered the most stylish contemporary as well as period costume design on TV (The hair grooming? The soft silk robes? yum! If one could just ignore the misogyny I would love to travel back in time and say Hi to John, Jackie and Marilyn)


What else? Some people get old, some people age with dignity or unexpectedly valuable fashion products, some will look eternally classy, and some want nothing but fame while others deny themselves completely (I know this guy is a genius and he doesn't give a fuck about anything, but he is THE poster boy for an imminent monobrow, like wowowowowo).

So many links today, but not enough photos and videos. OK, I'll make it up to you with this little treat. Happy Holidays and don't forget to fill the world with love or whatever you have at hand!

Nachtrag in Deutsch: Absolute persönliche Wortschatzis der letzten Folge: "Kapstadt war ja schon der Burner, aber New York ist ja die Bombe", sowie "Boah, diese Hosen, ey! Was Frauen alles anziehen" Find ich auch. Diese Woche ist übrigens Umstyling. Unterhaltung garantiert!

Ein richtiges Fashionshow

Nein, ich bin mir wirklich für nichts zu böd! Und deswegen komme ich allen halb- und viertelernst gemeinten Aufforderungen zum masochistischen Pop Torture natürlich gerne nach. Danke Fräulein S für den tollen Vorschlag (neue Pop Torture-Ideen bitte per Kommentar, Email, Brieftaube an mich richten).

Forschungsinteresse

Die neueste Episode der 5. Staffel Germany’s Next Top Model ansehen und sowohl quantitativ als auch qualitativ analysieren.

Forschungsdesignzutaten

ProSieben Webstream der Folge 2, Staffel 5, Notizblock, Stift, kuschelige Hose und gemütlicher Sweater, Bett und Polster.

Methodik

Zynismus bei gleichzeitiger Aufrechterhaltung feministischer Grundsätze (bzw. Zynismus DURCH Aufrechterhaltung feministischer Grundsätze), Gehirn ausschalten, Wasser trinken , weil sonst Dehydrierungsgefahr.

Die Zugchallenge

Oh Heidi, wie haben wir deine schrille Stimme und dein unbegreifliches Gespür für Mode vermisst. Wie schön ist es doch, dass du uns nun aus dem supermodernen ICE entgegenlächelst (product placement count: 1). *kreisch*

Überraschung, Mädels, es geht mit dem Zug nach Berlin! Nun ist auch endlich der Moment gekommen die Models, die Juroren (wer ist das denn?) und deren Ausdrucksfähigkeit unter die Lupe zu nehmen. Berlin ist demnach der "Platz to be" und "Berlin ist halt nicht Böbling". Ich war noch nie in Böbling und tu mir deswegen ein bisschen schwer mit der Beurteilung.

Im fahrenden Zug werden die Mädels aufgefordert im Bikini auf und ab zu laufen. Viele Fragen ergeben sich: Wo ziehen sich die Models eigentlich um? Auf dem Zugklo? Sind die eigentlich versichert wenn sie sich ihre kleinen Fingerchen verstauchen?

Es ist eine sehr schwierige Challenge, weil "90% der Models da draußen haben das noch nicht gemacht". Die anderen 10% sollen sich bitte bei mir melden und kriegen dann eine Topfenkolatsche als Belohnung. Die Gefahr im Zug "hinzufallen und den Gang lang zu kullern" ist natürlich irrsinnig groß. Außerdem gibt es böse Männer, die von draußen in den Zug "reinspickeln". Wie bewähren sich die Kandidatinnen?

Eine erste potentielle Anwärterin für den diesjährigen Unterhaltungswert-Award ist gefunden: Luisa!

Zweite Nominierung geht an: Neeles Mund

Zwei der Bewerberinnen müssen leider schon weit weit weit vor Berlin den Zug verlassen. Wo? In Berlin Spandau. Der cry count ist inzwischen auf 2 geklettert. Offene Frage: Zahlt ProSieben eigentlich das Rückfahrticket für die Mädels?

Endlich im Berliner Hotel angekommen freuen sich alle nur mehr auf eines: mehr Drama! Luisa hatte "kein Zimmer, war müde, hatte Hunger und musste aufs KLO!" Ich leide mit dir, du armes armes Kind. Warst du schon mal im Irak? Nein? Ich auch nicht. Aber ich hab "The Hurt Locker" gesehen.

Das Kabinett der Dr. Heidi

Am nächsten Tag folgt die zweite "Challenge". Die Mädels müssen mit Robbie Williams und Johnny Depps wächsernem Alter Ego in Mdm. Tussauds posen. Wer denkt sich eigentlich diese "Competitions" aus? Wo kann ich meine Bewerbung hinschicken?

Während die anderen Models kreative Verhaltensauffälligkeiten zeigen, ist für eine der Kandidatinnen alles halb so schlimm, denn "wenn ich rausfliege, flieg ich sofort nach Hollywood". Schätzchen, das hab ich auch gemacht. Und ich sag dir nur eines, Körperdouble für J.Lo zu sein ist ein hartes Geschäft.

Ein richtiges Fashionshow

Doch keine Zeit zum verweilen, die nächste "Challenge" wartet schon hinter der Ecke. Überraschung! Es ist "ein richtiges [sic] Fashionshow....mit Anja Göckel [sic]". Natürlich werden die zukünftigen Topmodels von Mama Heidi trainiert um sie für den großen Abend vorzubereiten. Mama trägt zur Motivation ihrer Zöglinge sogar ein Herz um den Hals. Mein Herz hört aus Langeweile auf zu schlagen.

Wiederbelebungsmaßnahmen eingeleitet! Dramaalarm! Prinzesschen Hanna hat Probleme mit den Schuhen und die TV-Produzenten beschließen die Tragödie mit einem Placebosong zu unterlegen (dazu werde ich diplomatischerweise schweigen).

Die anderen Models sind derweil im siebten Himmel, denn es gibt "ganz viele Stylisten...von überall...und
der Boris war auch da" *schmelz*

Endlich ist der große Moment gekommen. Die Mädels dürfen auf den Laufsteg und zeigen was sie können.

Und demjenigen, der als nächster behauptet dies sei ein BrautKLEID, schnorre ich nie wieder Zigaretten.

Die Stunde der Entscheidung ist da und Mama trägt standesgemäß Leopard (in Schuh und Mantelform). Was macht Heidi sonst so? "Die steht da und starrt dich kaputt". Mein Lieblingsfoto der heutigen Sendung lieferte übrigens Spangi, die auch die Jury mit ihrem unzerstörbaren Avril Lavigneschem Selbstbewusstsein überzeugte.

Crycount: 8

Product Placement Count: 5

Österreicherinnencount: 2

Torture Count: liegender Achter

Florence and the Oscar Machine

There was so much happening in the last three days! Besides washing my hair I was lucky enough to see two concerts. Oh, and the Oscars happened too...

Florence and the Machine
Drama, baby!

There is some bands that get hyped and after the first excitement wears off, they become like a throw-away plastic bag. Just remember to forget. This is definitely not the case with Florence and the Machine. Before I went to the concert I didn't KNOW any of her songs, I just heard some of them and they didn't leave any trace in my memory. But now? The concert was a bundle of positive fashion energy, english eccentricity and general Kate-Bushness (She's the woman who can sing about washing machines and the number pi and make you weep in the process). To see what I mean, here are some rather demure Kate pics:

Everyone who knows me personally, is aware that it doesn't take much for me to perform "Wuthering Heights" at any given location/time (shower, street, flat, bar, university, church, park, beach, bed). But even the last teeny tiny inhibitions I had were finally gone after the concert on Sunday evening. Here is a video that should give you an idea... (the sound was much much better in reality):



I never had the feeling she was a cheap Kate rip-off, though. I think there's a big difference between being inspired by someone and copying. Florence and the Machine are definitely category one. My NANOWRIMO novel is category two. Proudly.

When I grow up, I want to be a free-spirited pixie hopping around on an enchanted stage full of flowers, harps and jungle drums. Tinkerbell will be my BFF and Peter Pan my boyfriend (I saw Finding Neverland again in January and maybe I cried a little...again). In case you wondered, Florence Welch is only 23 years old and her mum is a professor of Renaissance Studies. That explains so much...

Academy Awards

The citizens of the Republic of Internet already wrote (and bitched) so much about the Oscars, that I'll just post my favourite gown of the evening and that's it. It's not the best dress ever (Why is there weird triangles? Why did no one wear a swan?) but in comparison to all the others, this Donna Karan still looks good on Penelope. Go Spain!

(I'm sorry for the font problems. If it's any consolation, it's not my fault)

What I learned from life (Random Edition)

Lovely to see you again, your hair looks fabulous today!

What happened after we last saw each other? Alexander McQueen died and now everyone loves him. I'll let the pics speak for themselves. Also: I think I found the dress I'm going to wear at my sister's wedding.

New York Fashion Week happened without Serena or Ugly Betty interrupting, as did the Golden Globes (Thanks for the tweets and photos, Amanda), the BAFTAs (Oh Kristen, you need a Fitball and some self-confidence enhancers ASAP), and Anna Howard Shaw Day (Did I tell you the story of last Valentine`s Day? Did I? Vietnamese waiters certainly watch too much porn...).

I also saw some weird exhibitions (Leo circa 1996 is a cute girl) and endured a ton of movies, in order to poison my environment with snarky comments if one of them should win an Oscar. Here is my preliminary commentary:

• I really really HATE Avatar. I said it. It's out there. Now deal with it.
• The Hurt Locker: Bah! Really?
• Up in the Air: OK, but not Oscar-worthy. Love his tipps on airport behavior though (At security control stand in line behind single Asian men)
  
• Julie & Julia: Category "Movie I could watch with my mom without cringing", therefore disqualified.
• Precious: A little bit too much, eh? I am a sucker for "good teacher in bad neighbourhood"- stories though...
• Inglorious Basterds (did I write this right/wrong?): Yes please. Thank you. This one.
• Bright Star: Nice gardens and costumes, but I'm not so much into poetry, sorry. Great camera though.
• Young Victoria: German accents are really popular this year, aren't they? Interesting dresses, but there are better perios dramas out there.
• The White Ribbon: Not as unsettling as Haneke's other movies, but it still makes you feel bad. Great for a over-analyzing and super-deep historical discussions afterwards.
  

Besides watching movies, I walked on sandy beaches, not being the one getting sexually molested. Jealous? Yeah, me too.

9) (sorry, this only makes sense in German) Letztes Monat im H&M während des Abverkaufs. Accessoireabteilung Erdgeschoss Mariahilferstraße. Neben mir zwei Mädels, vielleicht 16, nasales Gymnasiastenwienerisch: "Schau her", sagt die eine und zeigt auf die Geldtaschen vor ihr in der Schütte, "die gibts in blau, gold und Schlange!".

8) This is how I want to be when I'm 50




7) Roller Derby is brutal. I really want to visit Austin, Texas. They have boots there.

6) DIY stencil shirts are fun!

(click here for more info on mechanical ducks from the 18th c, by far my third favorite century)

(click here for more info on cry-babies, by far my favorite babies)

5) Maybe, in a parallel universe, I could under certain limited circumstances eventually not hate Lady Gaga. And maybe I quite like one of her stylists, Nicola Formichetti.

4) Don't ever go to a Pilates session with a friend. Trust me when I say this, but you should go there alone, without anyone giggling next to you and reminding you of the ridiculesness of it all. Strenghten your POWERHOUSE! If I only knew what a powerhouse was things would be much easier.

3) Many fights will never end, but sometimes their focus shifts. Girl, Interrupted: from Winona versus Angie to Brittany. Sweets: from licorice (no alcohol) versus marzipan (no alcohol) to Martini Bianco (alcohol). Movies: from Miss Undercover versus Secretary to Mean Girls. TV Series: from How I met your mother (funny) versus Californication (sex) to Secret Diary of a Call Girl (funny sex).

2) The writers of Gossip Girl somehow got hold on my NANOWRIMO novel and stole some major storylines. Or was it the other way round?

1) And because I'm grumpy since it started snowing again I won't spare you this map about sea-level rise. I already did the work for you, so here are the answers:

• sea-level rises for 1m: really not good for the Netherlands and Belgium
• sea-level rises for 4m: Goodbye Carnaval in Cadiz! Goodbye Brighton Pier again!
  
• sea-level riese for 8m: POTUS has to find new summer residence, MIT lives on in the Internet (What a sucker: Harvard will still stand arrogantly!)
• sea-level rises for 14m: Thompkins Square Park Boat Rental.

0) If I'll ever get arrested I want to look as classy as Bowie does: