Life is not a dress rehearsal. Because you're naked, stupid.

Because I'm older than K-Stew and I use conditioner I get asked a lot of questions. And since I cried at least six times during Glee today, I am now in a state of great empathy and feeling towards my fellow humans. Here is your questions answered:

Is W College really like in that movie? Yes. But there's less alcohol and smoking nowadays.

Have you always been such a control freak? No, it takes a lot of time and exercise to reach this high level of neurosis perfection *scratches skin from hands*

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Which one is John Irving's best novel? Hotel New Hampshire, you Ellen Jamesian. You wanna say something? Talk to my hand.

Why does she think I hate her boyfriend? I totally forgot who asked me this question in which context. Anyways, she probs thinks you hate the mandude because you didn't listen to him babbling about how hot Katy Perry is or Resident Evil 3. These are the two most common reasons in my experience.

How do I stop consuming? (see also: How can I stop my addiction to American TV series?) You can't and you won't. Cheers.

Will people come to our exhibition? Yes, definitely. It's on 22nd of October in "Das Werk" (Neulerchenfelderstraße 6-8, 1160 Wien). There's gonna be lots of art, music, love and decadence. If you don't come, I will hate you. Like forevs.

What is better: using a condom - which you hate - or having a brainfuck because your menstruation is late? There's plenty of other options, babyhoney. Did you ever hear about these things attached to your arms? They're called hands. And all the other stuff Darwin invented (Anyways. Act safely and responsibly. Seriously. Not kidding here).

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Do I go to the toilet too often? No.

Do I have a crush on James Franco? Quite possibly.

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How does one get over a break up? Jameson. Long answer to be discussed below.

The 5 Stages of Grief Exemplified Through Popculture

Have you been left because you're too good-looking and intelligent? Did you leave your partner because you couldn't agree on Apple vs. Microsoft? And now you kind of regret it, because your PC has a virus AGAIN and your better half is not there to lend you his/her Powerbook to watch the last episode of Gossip Girl? This is called loss. And it's serious. Like purchasing weirdly sized tampons.

1) Raw Raw Oh Lala

First, you'll experience the many beauties of denial. What? Don't know what that is. I'm not interested in it. Please let me brood in my indifference for now. Thanks. Where is the remote control?

Music: Everything you usually listen to, Lady Gaga, Madonna, Hip Hop, R&B.

Literature: Vogue, David Sedaris.

Art: Keith Haring, Andy Warhol.
Film: Harry Potter, Tim Burton (I am well aware that Harry Potter is not yet a film director. Thanks.)

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2) Well, they get what they want and they never want it again.

Second, you'll get angry. This is the moment in which you should go to a 90s party. There you'll get drunk, rip apart your flannel shirt and scream from the top of your lungs. This is also the phase in which you might discover a short-term half-hearted interest in 3rd wave feminism (in case you're a woman).

Music: Hole, L7, Bikini Kill, Violent Femmes.

Literature: Matias Faldbakken, Thomas Bernhard.

Art: Georg Baselitz, Jackson Pollock (remember Short Bus? Thanks, G)

Film: Lars von Trier.

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3) If I only could. Make a deal with god.

Third, after curing your giant hangover, you'll meet up with your unemployed friends and analyze.Your friends will be super bored of course, but if they're good humans, they'll fake mild interest in your complaining and nod from time to time.

Music: Kate Bush (Running up that Hill), Depeche Mode (Walking in my Shoes).
Literature: Cosmopolitan advice columns, Elizabeth Gilbert.

Art: some shit from the 19th century,

Film: some of the darker Woody Allen stuff.

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4) Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head.

Later that night, you'll walk home and process your sad panda feelings. You'll find out that no one loves you, and although you're so very entertaining, you're gonna sleep alone at night.

Music: The Smiths, Joy Division.

Literature: Ingeborg Bachmann, Sylvia Plath.

Art: Egon Schiele, Martina Abramovic.

Film: David Lynch, Titanic.

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(That gown is mighty cool. Can I have it in my size, please?)

5) I will survive.

Just kidding, everyone loves you! After some couple of centuries you'll have arrived at a stage of acceptance. Congratulations, it's time to move on and find someone new who doesn't know all your negative character traits, or that your family is horribly loud, or that you actually had really crappy 80s hair as a kid.

Music: Gloria Gaynor, New Order, Iggy Pop, Florence and the Machine.

Literature: Shakespeare (the lighter stuff).

Art: Asgar/ Gabriel

Film: Breakfast at Tiffany's, and all the other Hollywood movies made from 1930 to 1965.

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How can I have MY questions answered? Submit them in the comment section or at FB. Or ask me personally. I charge much less than your psychoanalyst.

Mad World

Initially I wanted to post "Top 3 Historical Plagues" and "Top 5 Worst Summer Fashion", but I got so annoyed and scared by the latter, that I decided to write about something positive instead. But before, a little newsflash:

Bachelorette parties are real fun in case you're not the bride. If I should ever get married, I will not allow a party to take place because I fear cold-blooded revenge from my sister (also: I'm Katy "Fucking" Fitch! who the fuck are you?) (also: the girl working at the Diesel store in Vienna totally looks like Effy) (also: this information is irrelevant for most of you because you don't know what the hell I'm actually talking about) (also: go see Skins ASAP in case you want to take part in our Skins-themed party) (also: I'll dress up as Panda Poo).

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I wanted to see Eclipse yesterday to carry out an anthropological experiment involving teenage girls, group hysteria and shameless objectification of Brits. My strictly scientific participant observation couldn't be carried out though. That's why I saw Before Sunrise again, which involves a lot more talking, actual pre-marital sex, and Vienna.

I re-positioned some of my books. This time, I colorschemed them. Like my socks.

There is new advise in the category "How to live": In case you're PMSing, don't go to a place where sweets are expensive. In honor of this very useful recommendation I made a pie chart illustrating why sometimes it's hard to be a woman.

I admit that this pie chart exaggerates the percentaged intake of chocolates. Sometimes it's also about committing carbizide.

There is clear photo evidence that Amy Macdonald has an evil twin sister:

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(It's Katy Perry in case you wondered)

Mad Men will start its 4th season on Sunday evening. These are some of the things I wish to happen:

1) Don Draper and Joan Holloway hook up. This would be like Christmas and Easter, coffee and cigarrettes, Jack White and Allison Mosshart, Gin and Tonic, me and Johnny, the pope and hypocrisy.

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2) The art department uses Helvetica more often.

3) Bob Dylan gets his album cover designed by Sterling Cooper.

4) Peggy gets equal pay.

5) The African American elevator operator gets a really good job.

6) Sterling Cooper hires Andy Warhol. Andy Warhol has an affair with Sal resulting in happiness and screenprints.

These things probs won't take place soon, but on the other hand who would've thought that the English guy's foot would've gotten lacerated by a lawn-mower in season 3?

This week's Gender Fuck Award for re-wording Florence and the Machine lyrics goes to madmad: "A chick with a dick is better than none".

Here's a very sweet video of a cute baby bear to get your mind off the whole Don & Joan situation:

MY NY MY NY MY

Hello people-inos. There's two to twenty things I'm gonna write about today, so let's see how tired and snarky I'll be at the end of the post. My tired count right now is 3 and my snarkiness count is 4.

First of all, as you perhaps already noticed, you cute human apes, I changed the blog design a little. Not sure I like it, I'm gonna see. Do I really think that baby blue goes with blood red? Maybe. Additionally, I wanted to say that I really like your glasses, strawberry milkshakes and hovering cats. Thanks.

Second, I updated the link collection in the left sidebar. It now includes lovely ordinarypeople: collaborative art project vienna. I'm deeply honored to be their resident press bitch. They'll fire me soon, because I write convulated sentences full of relative clauses, which are like that, and long listings: academic vocabulary, 19th century metaphors, abbrvtns, you name it. We're in the process of organizing the bestest ever performance exhibition to date in Vienna (maybe the second bestest since Valie Export's breast box in the 70s. We don't want to be too pretentious). I'll keep you updated. That's both a promise and a threat. Here's two of the artists we'll hope to work with:

by Thomas Seiger via

by Zwupp! via

I hereby also take the opportunity to shamelessy promote clmty, i.e. Viennese design par excellence, lost in footage, a blog for all the fearless German readers among you, No Silent Night, who are gonna play a fabonkulous gig in B72 on Independence Day and pop:sch, my electro heroes.

Third, the Haus of Gagayonce happening has been set to take place on the 24th of July 2010. Get your calendars ready and put some glitter on the date!

Hawt like Mexico! via

What else, maidens and boys? I watched The Runaways, which was a surprisingly good rock'n'roll movie and probably the first movie I saw this year passing the Bechdel Test. I had very low expectations in the beginning since it was marketed as a female Velvet Goldmine. Let me tell you something here. It's not possible to ever make a movie like VG again. Ever. The Runaways was NOT a female Velvet Goldmine, mostly because there was far less whimsical stuff happening (like Oscar Wilde being delivered to planet earth by an alien space ship). Also, KStew had weirder hair than Ewan McGregor, which is fine, because it's set in the 70s and it was mostly taking place in California, not in the motherland. Everything else was exactly the same.

This one has a top 3 place re: most terrible/awesome album covers in glamrock history via

I have two main topics in mind for this post. The first idea is to write a boring nostalgic/sentimental piece about New York City. The second possibility is to make a "Top 3 List of Historic Medical Plagues That Freak Me Out and Keep Me From my Well-Deserved Sleep at Night". Although I prefer the latter one, I sort of have to stick to the first one, because I'm a member of the AA (Americans Anonymous) and today is an important day:

My name is jive and I haven't had a drop of NYC in one year. And although I feel quite accomplished and I am at least a 197° well-rounded *cough* person, I would leave the Top Model House immediately if someone would endow me with a 300 m2 loft in the West Village and a life-long supply of Vitamin Water, Whole Foods foods, creme cheese sesame bagels, Brooklyn Lager and Parliament cigarettes (I once bought a pack for 11$! It's gotten so costly to destroy one's health).

So here is why I like Gotham so much:

1) When you think of 'city', the first thing that pops up in your head is probably a picture of New York. It's the material and pop-cultural embodiment of urban life. I love cities, so it's only consequential for me to love New York, the mum and dad of cities (I haven't been to Asia or Africa yet, so my perspective is biased by the destinations I travelled. I'm open to change my opinion).

Completely random taxi driver via

2) No one gives a shit. You can dress like a gothic mermaid or do some Open Air disco rollerskating in spandex. It's OK. It's fine. It's encouraged. Since there's plenty of colorful fish in the sea, you have to try harder than anywhere else. Here is how to begin your journey:



3) It will never be boring. NY is a big fat machine invented to distract you from everything you were taught to find important.

4) It's truly never dull. For anyone. The city is basically what you make of it, a white canvas handing you over an endless amount of crayons. You're a grandma? Go watch Cats. You have a moustache and wear vintage shoes? Move to Williamsburg. You are Michel from Gilmore Girls? Let's meet in the Village.

random pic of Patti Smith just because she's cool via

5) The subway runs the whole night (it can be a little creepy though).

6) The residents are a truthfully sarcastic and hilarious asshole-y people, which I very much prefer to other kinds of Americans (No offense intended, dear Americans. You are usually much friendlier and more polite than Europeans) (No offense intended, Europeans. You have the better food).

7) It's such a powerful thought to know that at every moment - night and day - you're surrounded by millions of highly diverse people experiencing every human condition imaginable. All in walking distance.

8) There's less dog poo than in Vienna.

Rihanna and her two handbags immediately pop up if you google "dog" + "new york" via

That was that and this is it. Tune in next time, when it's finally time for ***SPOILER ALERT*** cholera, the bubonic plague and smallpox! Yeah!

tiredness count: 6
snarkiness count: 8
have to pee count: 10

God, Shoes, and Shorts

I'm going to start this one off with something on the not so funny side of life (understatement alarm!). It will be over in a second (in 10 minutes to be honest), so if you can spare the time please watch this video in which Oscar Wilde Stephen Fry talks about why he thinks that the catholic church is NOT a force for good in the world. It's better than going to the dentist. I promise. Not better than the effects of anesthesia though.



Now let's make a 180 degree turn and talk about some brighter, yet not less frightening topics in life. As some of you already know, I surrendered to destiny and decided to pop-torture myself in the worst way known to humankind.

1) I will practice the dance steps to Beyonce's "Single Ladies"
2) and will perform said dance
3) in appropriate costume
4) in a hipster location of choice
5) after asking the DJ to play the song
6) and keep photographic as well as written eveidence of my popcultural anthropological experience/nightmare

I will almost certainly chicken out this time (give me a break, I already did soooo many weird things. Green christmas-y pj-bottoms? That RHPS re-enactment? "I'm a barbie girl" AND "Jolene" in a certain bar I only found because I bonded with a gay guy over discussing Britney's "Womanizer" video? I don't know what this glorious country did to me. Besides transforming my accent into something undeniably deniable, and besides getting me hooked on American Apparel, bagels, brownies, Sunday Sundaes, those coloured cereals, waffles, busses with WiFi, and shiny happy people with amazingly regular titan-white teeth).

And since I will probably not do it, I need YOU! Yes, YOU! You will have to think of something equally meaningful and world-shattering to do, in order to build up group pressure. Then we can all shame each other into doing things that really matter in our lives. As an imbursement for your time and help you will receive two special limited gifts:

1) my never-ending appreciation (depends)

2) a free once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to write a blog entry for fashflash (guaranteed. might be erased if not funny)

Because I'm a really nice girl I already thought about some of the things YOU could do. For example, write my master thesis (only if you get an A), be one of my harajuku followers, or be my Lady Gaga counterpart at the big day out. OK, enough hipness, let's change topic...again....

Did you know that researchers finally found the world's ugliest shoes? Now you do:


Scholars also found the world's most elaborately patterned shorts (thanks for the tip, Ms S)

To be honest, I feel a little sorry for Mischa lately. She was a really promising actress when she started. And with that I don't mean The O.C., duhh! dadada-dadam-dadada-dadam, California here we come, dupidupidupiduuuu. Maybe Mischa just needs a care bear to hug her and everything will be alright. I'm a believer!

On the bright side, academics also discovered the most stylish contemporary as well as period costume design on TV (The hair grooming? The soft silk robes? yum! If one could just ignore the misogyny I would love to travel back in time and say Hi to John, Jackie and Marilyn)


What else? Some people get old, some people age with dignity or unexpectedly valuable fashion products, some will look eternally classy, and some want nothing but fame while others deny themselves completely (I know this guy is a genius and he doesn't give a fuck about anything, but he is THE poster boy for an imminent monobrow, like wowowowowo).

So many links today, but not enough photos and videos. OK, I'll make it up to you with this little treat. Happy Holidays and don't forget to fill the world with love or whatever you have at hand!

Nachtrag in Deutsch: Absolute persönliche Wortschatzis der letzten Folge: "Kapstadt war ja schon der Burner, aber New York ist ja die Bombe", sowie "Boah, diese Hosen, ey! Was Frauen alles anziehen" Find ich auch. Diese Woche ist übrigens Umstyling. Unterhaltung garantiert!

As seen in Soho, NYC

Apparently those Ed Hardy UGGs are so popular that they even fake them. My oh my!

Who can that attractive girl be? [blabla] Such a pretty me!

aahhh...viele neue Themen (Hallo "Ferien", übrigens!)

Interview-Magazin, Warhol-Anbetungs-Ausgabe

Endlich mal eine tolle Modestrecke. Weiters: Sympathiewerte für Agyness wieder im Steigen begriffen.

Mailand Männermode 08

Das meint der gute Alexander nicht im Ernst, oder? Mankinis? Was kommt als nächstes? Mankini Wax? Graus! Aber vielleicht liegt meine Ablehnung nur daran, dass ich generell Kleidung nicht mag, die nicht zumindest 50% der Hautfläche bedeckt.


Vivienne kommt aus Favoriten und...


...manchmal auch von der linken Wienzeile.


Auf Christopher Bailey ist halt noch Verlass, den kleinen Racker! Naja. Die es-regnet-wahrlich-viel-in-Schottland-Hüte hätte er sich schon sparen können. Fr. Wintour hats aber sichtlich gefallen, sonst hätte sie nicht so frenetisch in die Händlein gepatscht und dabei riskiert ihren edlen Froschgarment zu verknittern. Fr. S meinte übrigens zeitgleich re: Bailey:

"da lob ich mir halt den mr bailey. der steckt herren noch in ordentliche anzüge, höchstens shorts [...] über den schreibst ma kein böses wort"

Eine weitere Alternative zu körperlicher und geistiger Blöße findet sich in der Vergangenheit.

Eine verstümmelte Top 3: Beste Filme, welche sich durch die Abhackung eines Fingers besonders auszeichnen

Das Piano, welches sich besonders durch Beregnung (hey Christopher wir brauchen so einen Hut) und Begegnung mit einem massig-protzigen Harvey auszeichnet.


Die Royal Tenenbaums, welche sich besonders durch Pelzbemantelung und Lakonie auszeichnen.


Die Four Rooms, welche ich nicht gesehen habe und sich deshalb wahrscheinlich durch gar nichts auszeichnen.

Eine berüschte Top 2: Zimmermädchen

J-Lo oder Emanuelle. Wer gewinnt? Was für eine Frage.

Und:

Allison Mosshart trägt wie ich auch gerne Sonnenbrillen im Hause. Hat aber Angst davor, es könnte der falsche Eindruck entstehen:

"they have often been dismissed as a "fashion band" - the kind of people who wear sunglasses indoors. Their critics accuse them of being all style and no substance. "I still prefer that over all substance and no style," quips Hince. I point out that Mosshart was, just a moment ago, wearing her RayBans inside the pub. "It was sunny," she says, "I needed to see your eyes." This is, in fairness, true."

Wahrscheinlich der einzige Punkt in dem Allison und ich verschieden sind. Mir ist das wurscht ob die Leute mich für eine Poserin halten. Gestern bin ich auf meinem Fahrrad gesessen und hab The Living End von Jesus and Mary Chain gesungen. Vor Publikum. Und? Ich fühl mich so toll, dass ich schon den ganzen Tag West Side Story trällere.

Und II

Ich weiß jetzt warum mir Elliot immer so bekannt vorkam.

Und III

Über Baywatch hätte ich auch noch Einiges zu sagen wenn wir schon mal über Basse Couture sprechen. Aber dazu nächstes Mal. Im Winter eignet sich das Thema besser. Ich war immer Summer beim Baywatch-Spielen im Freibad. Was für ein blöder Name. Und CUT!