Musicals Part 2

Look at you! Your ankles are totally not fat! I know you've been waiting for this post passionately, sitting in the darkest corner of your emo room, desperately hugging a man arm pillow and crying your lacrimal fluids out. After writing Musicals Part 1, a lot of things happened that deepened my passion for the medium:

1) Glee returned after a long winter hiatus and featured performances by Doogie Howser, MD and Maureen/Elphaba, as well as songs by our dear Lady G, Madonna, The Doors, Beck, and perm queen Bonnie Tyler. Although I didn't appreciate the finale very much, because it didn't show a 2-hour shooting in a hospital in Seattle (spoiler alert FAIL), my appreciation of the show is a never-ending story (until something better comes along).

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2) I have been questioned for my adoration of musicals. Here are some of the other things I have been critizised for lately:

- I don't listen (because you say stupid things)

- I'm sexist (LOL)

- I'm a poser (and what?)

- I'm not a good singer (point)

- I’m putting people in boxes (yes, and you wanna know what’s written on YOUR box?)

- I'm too pale (Edward is pale too and he can fly and bite people and stuff)

- I'm arrogant (Newsflash!)

So this post is partly a matter of defense, partly a matter of I'm-gonna-rub-the-awesomeness-of-(some)-musicals-in-your-face-attack.

3) Everyone's life right now sort of resembles a trashy musical: there's bits of drama, singing, dancing, weird acting, performances, tacky costumes and sometimes people even get applauded for it. See you at the Tony Awards, pookies [I really don't know why the font is so small here. Ask Google)

I humbly admit, musicals can be horrible pieces of non-tainment emanating an air of grandma-suited distraction for the stupid classes. But as with many other things in life, they just are what you make of it. Here are some more examples of musicals I enjoy:

Rocky Horror (Picture) Show

The cult classic that cemented my adoration for the medium and also inspired one half of my glamrock name. I have to admit, I never saw it on stage, but I watched the movie so often that I probably lost a year of my precious life with it. It's so full of film and art references, layers and well-placed obscenities, that I never got sick of RHPS.

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And if you ever happen to be around a theater doing a midnight screening of RHPS, put some freaky make-up on, wear a pair of ripped fishnets, get some rice and cleaning gloves, and celebrate the night away (if you need more specifities on the latter topic, ask me offline in a secure environment without internet spies).

Cry Baby

Another John Waters example of the craft called bad taste musical assemblance. It features the likes of Johnny Depp and Iggy Pop. Cry Baby succeeds in bringing licking to a new level (I won't get mononucleosis, will I?). Somewhere Dr. Frank’n’Furter sits in his trans-alien castle and is crying. The costumes are one third Mad Men, one third punk, and one third classic rock’n’roll. Maybe also one third jail couture, but then it would be 133,33% and that’s just confusing to my social science brain. I also wonder how many calories tears have? Are they a hygienic beverage?

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Wicked

I saw Wicked last summer after having endured one year of constant Wicked referencing, Karaoke singing and general nerve wrecking (love you, honey!). So after this lengthy psychological torture I simply gave up and watched the show. At the first scene my entourage and I giggled a lot because it was probably the most ridiculous thing a human has ever seen on stage (it even tops Euridike having sex with a giant godly fly). There was a dragon with diamond sparkly eyes emanating fog and Glinda, the protagonist, hovering over the choir wearing the most outragous fairy dress ever made. Not surprisingly she also had a giant glitter wand in her hand (the musical is about witches or whatever).

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Although (or because) the musical is so intentionally over-the-top and green, it never loses it’s ironic appeal and it even provides some refreshing „seriousness“ in between. I’d sell my pinkie shampoo that doesn’t work on my hair to see Wicked with the original Broadway cast.

Honorary mentions: Funny Girl, Spring Awakening (haven’t seen it yet, looks promising), Altar Boyz, La Cage aux Folles, West Side Story, Hair, Hedwig and the Angry Inch, Avenue Q, Moulin Rouge, Chicago (partly), Cabaret.

Dishonorary mentions: Cats, Phantom of the Opera, Tanz der Vampire (haven’t seen it, don’t want to see it, don’t like it), Starlight Express (Is that even a musical? Have you no shame?), everything they play in Vienna forever and ever and ever until the Wicked Witch of the West or the sweet transvestites from Transsexual, Transsylvania will come to free us from this oppression.

Haus of Gagayoncé

Oh my! Your fingernails are so shiny today! This is gonna be one of these posts that doesn't have any particular topic. I'm just writing whatever comes to mushy mind.

- Thanks to Bavarian M, a.k.a. Lady Gaga #2, for her suggestion to watch "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" in the first place. I salute your popcultural wisdom!

- In reaction to my last post, many lovely readers brought additional amazing imaginary bands to my attention, e.g. Alvin and the Chipmunks, Josie and the Pussycats, and The Fabulous Stains. If you haven't heard of the latter, this girl punk band appears in the 80s movie "Ladies and Gentlemen, the Fabulous Stains", starring a SUPERyoung Diane Lane and lots of Siouxsieesque eye make-up (I haven't seen it yet, but it looks convincingly cringeworthy/ fabulous).

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- For everyone who always wanted to see two (very likely) intoxicated girls wearing popstar costumes without pants and acting ridiculously embarrassing in public, there is great news! You don't have to visit Brighton on a Saturday night anymore, since the action will take place in a city near you. I have been challenged by a Lady がが and now I can't chicken out anymore or I will lose my pop honor, because once you kill a cow you gotta make the burger.

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If you want to be part of our Entourage - or as we insiders refer to it, our "Haus of Gagayoncé" - get some fabulous outfits, move your derrière over here and together we will exult the night away. Although we appreciate you knowing the whole back catalogue, by heart, mainly concentrate on rehearsing Bad Romance, Single Ladies, Telephone and Pokerface (the Glee version, pleaaaase). If you need inspiration on how to express yourself humbly through dancing with props, I suggest you watch this. If you need motivational help with your singing while wearing a bear on your hat, watch this.

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- Apropos furry headwear: Benjamin Franklin supposedly wore his rustic beaver hat during official events while he lived in France. He did this in order to underline his hearty American heritage. Remember, this was at a time when Marie Antoinette had ships in her hair sculptures. Joy! Love! I have to pee!

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- Marina Abramovic does amazing performance art in the MOMA. Did I already mention this? She must be totally de-hydrated!

- With the help of G, I figured out one of the composite factors that contribute to being a grown-up --> ironic distance from teenagehood = 5% nostalgia and 95% relief that it's all over now, baby blue. A shoelace that is actually a guitar string becomes a logistical problem as soon as you try to tie it. Three bottles of green hairspray sound good in theory, but they fail to provide clean bathrooms after usage, causing mother-daughter-relations to plummet. I should really do a post on the wrongness of teenage style choices. Good excuse to talk about werewolves. Also, why is there no Team Bella? Feminism, anyone?

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- Ah, great bridge! The Seven Sisters decided to open up an eight franchise in the Ukrainian woods. These Eastern Wendys are trained in martial arts and presumably don't eat ice cream for breakfast.

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- Something completely different: the Aids Conference 2010 is going to take place in Vienna and it'll be huge (they even delayed the Life Ball because of it!). They need volunteers to get the whole thing running smoothly, so if you don't have plans for July 18- 23, register here. I can help you organize a free place to sleep, of course.

- I nearly forgot. There's gonna be a SKINS movie coming out in 2011! Reportedly, it will combine the casts of both generations, which makes me wonder how long this film will be. I don't care about Freddy, but please lovely writers, bring back Chris! He is so charming in his idiocy.

Top 5 Imaginary Bands and Too Many Other Things

It's been quite a long time, beautiful people. Since we last saw each other, I made my very successful debut as a Bonnie Tyler impersinator. See this as a way to pay my Beyoncé debt, ok?

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So here's an update on the generalities and specificities of life:

• Elena Kagan is going to be on the Supreme Court (I'm probably the only person here who cares. Whatever. It's my blog. Ha!)

• There's new findings on an incredibly weird animal called "mole rat" aka "sabre-toothed sausage". We can all learn a lot from this creature. For example, that uglyness is totally OK. If you live under mother earth's surface.

• Courtney Love is a never-ending source of entertainment. She's supposedly "good in bed", "doesn't appreciate Burberry very much", and is overall someone I really have to see in concert before being hit by a double-decker bus (so I might die with a smile on my face after all). There's an interesting piece by resident hilarious girl Rachel Shukert about growing up in the 90s and having to defend Courtney against the angry attacks of traumatized Cobain fans. Haven't we all been there? (on one side or another?). With all the media attention that she provokes it's easy to oversee the fact that Courtney Love is an amazing singer and performer. And although I tend to laugh about her stunts and rants too, and although I'm a bit worried about her motherly performance, (understatement!), for the most part it just makes me really sad when great talent goes to waste. I want this back, please. Did anyone listen to her new album yet? I won't give up hope.

• A new piece of functional fashion has been invented, part overall, part pyjama, all pajamarall!


• NSFW***And last but not least some treats on sex & dating because it's spring (good excuse, isn't it?): Jaclyn Friedman talks about "Fucking while Feminist", semen does consist of a variety of exotic ingredients, and the youth of today is prone to multitask. The actual topic of this post is, of course, less trivial than previous paragraphs. Since my epic research on "springtime topics" (= euphemism FAIL) is not quite finalized yet, I chose to select my Top 5 Imaginary Bands in Movies/TV.

5) Mystik Spiral from "Daria"

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Notice here that Trent is the only guy who is allowed to wear a soul-patch. Ever. And he's a comic figure. Am I Ms. Picky? Yes. Am I right? Yes.

4) Jared Leto in "My so-called Life"

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Oh my. And Ricky and her thought the song was about her. Red Hair Fail.

3) Hedwig and the Angry Inch from "Hedwig and the Angry Inch"

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What a strange title you might ask? To which I respond: Go and watch the movie to fully appreciate the band's name! The film has plenty of fun for everyone: girls, boys, in-betweeners, Rentheads, Michael Pitt fanatics (you know who you are, honey!). John Cameron Mitchell, the director, writer and protagonist of the musical, also made "Shortbus" which is a movie you should definitely not watch with your mom.

2) Hey, That's My Bike in "Reality Bites"

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Another one of these 90s boys with greasy hair, bad posture and questionable hygiene. I didn't know for quite a long time that this is a Violent Femmes cover. Doesn't reduce my admiration. And now, define irony and spell Evian backwards.

1) Curt Wild and the Rats from "Velvet Goldmine"

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There's so many amazing performers in this movie, I had a hard time chosing my favorite. In the end, I went with Curt because I love myself some raw Iggy/ Lou/ Mick. The wearing (or non wearing) of skinny pants, leather jackets and eyeliner is also very much appreciated. Thanks a lot, 70s! Thanks a lot, Todd Haynes (who is a genius btw)!

* Note: I couldn't think of any ground-breaking imaginary female bands in movies. All I could come up with is Snape oogling Rose DeWitt Bukater while she sings something very soprano-ish. Any ideas? (and no, "The Runaways" does NOT count).

Don't Rain On My Parade

Ladies and gentlemen,

Your hands look very manicured today. Well done, homo sapiens.

Did you know that dolphins are just gay sharks? Me neither. But thanks to the new episode of Glee I do. I waited for so long for the series to continue. But it was worth the excruciating emotional pain I felt every time a network decided to put a beloved TV-series on hiatus (I'm talking to you, Californication. And to you, My so-called Life). Some people are so happy that Glee is on air again, they decided to dance their hearts out. In public places. All over the world.

Here are some reasons I wish my high school had had a Glee club (It actually did. But I was with the art losers and not with the musical weirdos. I was busy painting tree-shaped rectangles and shit). If I were Rachel, I would do the following:

1) If I would have a strong feeling like anger, hurt, love, or ambition, mysterious music would suddenly start playing and I would just break out singing a dramatic ballad like it was the most natural thing on earth. Dancers would appear out of nowhere and guitar players in wheelchairs would flow around. In real life (at least in British movies) this kind of behavior leads to being a social outcast. In Glee you'll get squisheed but you'll also be an amazing star. Like Rachel Berry *puts a star here*


2) I would wear outrageous dresses: "She looked like Pippi Longstocking - but like Israeli"

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3) I would rehearse "Defying Gravity" every day. Not just every two days, like I do now.

4) SPOILER ALERT! Idina Menzel would be my mum. Maybe.

5) I would craft a relationship calendar in which my jock boyfriend's face and mine would be photoshopped onto cute cat pictures.


6) I would very much look forward to the day I would perform every notable Madonna song in appropriate gear WITHOUT the occasion being a costume party at my own place.

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7) I would be a rising and beautiful female nerd. But no one needs to be Rachel Berry to live just that. Am I right? Now go and rehearse. Shoo shoo!

Something else: I'm really obsessed with Venn Diagrams, so I made one myself. Here it is:

God, Shoes, and Shorts

I'm going to start this one off with something on the not so funny side of life (understatement alarm!). It will be over in a second (in 10 minutes to be honest), so if you can spare the time please watch this video in which Oscar Wilde Stephen Fry talks about why he thinks that the catholic church is NOT a force for good in the world. It's better than going to the dentist. I promise. Not better than the effects of anesthesia though.



Now let's make a 180 degree turn and talk about some brighter, yet not less frightening topics in life. As some of you already know, I surrendered to destiny and decided to pop-torture myself in the worst way known to humankind.

1) I will practice the dance steps to Beyonce's "Single Ladies"
2) and will perform said dance
3) in appropriate costume
4) in a hipster location of choice
5) after asking the DJ to play the song
6) and keep photographic as well as written eveidence of my popcultural anthropological experience/nightmare

I will almost certainly chicken out this time (give me a break, I already did soooo many weird things. Green christmas-y pj-bottoms? That RHPS re-enactment? "I'm a barbie girl" AND "Jolene" in a certain bar I only found because I bonded with a gay guy over discussing Britney's "Womanizer" video? I don't know what this glorious country did to me. Besides transforming my accent into something undeniably deniable, and besides getting me hooked on American Apparel, bagels, brownies, Sunday Sundaes, those coloured cereals, waffles, busses with WiFi, and shiny happy people with amazingly regular titan-white teeth).

And since I will probably not do it, I need YOU! Yes, YOU! You will have to think of something equally meaningful and world-shattering to do, in order to build up group pressure. Then we can all shame each other into doing things that really matter in our lives. As an imbursement for your time and help you will receive two special limited gifts:

1) my never-ending appreciation (depends)

2) a free once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to write a blog entry for fashflash (guaranteed. might be erased if not funny)

Because I'm a really nice girl I already thought about some of the things YOU could do. For example, write my master thesis (only if you get an A), be one of my harajuku followers, or be my Lady Gaga counterpart at the big day out. OK, enough hipness, let's change topic...again....

Did you know that researchers finally found the world's ugliest shoes? Now you do:


Scholars also found the world's most elaborately patterned shorts (thanks for the tip, Ms S)

To be honest, I feel a little sorry for Mischa lately. She was a really promising actress when she started. And with that I don't mean The O.C., duhh! dadada-dadam-dadada-dadam, California here we come, dupidupidupiduuuu. Maybe Mischa just needs a care bear to hug her and everything will be alright. I'm a believer!

On the bright side, academics also discovered the most stylish contemporary as well as period costume design on TV (The hair grooming? The soft silk robes? yum! If one could just ignore the misogyny I would love to travel back in time and say Hi to John, Jackie and Marilyn)


What else? Some people get old, some people age with dignity or unexpectedly valuable fashion products, some will look eternally classy, and some want nothing but fame while others deny themselves completely (I know this guy is a genius and he doesn't give a fuck about anything, but he is THE poster boy for an imminent monobrow, like wowowowowo).

So many links today, but not enough photos and videos. OK, I'll make it up to you with this little treat. Happy Holidays and don't forget to fill the world with love or whatever you have at hand!

Nachtrag in Deutsch: Absolute persönliche Wortschatzis der letzten Folge: "Kapstadt war ja schon der Burner, aber New York ist ja die Bombe", sowie "Boah, diese Hosen, ey! Was Frauen alles anziehen" Find ich auch. Diese Woche ist übrigens Umstyling. Unterhaltung garantiert!