Life is not a dress rehearsal. Because you're naked, stupid.

Because I'm older than K-Stew and I use conditioner I get asked a lot of questions. And since I cried at least six times during Glee today, I am now in a state of great empathy and feeling towards my fellow humans. Here is your questions answered:

Is W College really like in that movie? Yes. But there's less alcohol and smoking nowadays.

Have you always been such a control freak? No, it takes a lot of time and exercise to reach this high level of neurosis perfection *scratches skin from hands*

via

Which one is John Irving's best novel? Hotel New Hampshire, you Ellen Jamesian. You wanna say something? Talk to my hand.

Why does she think I hate her boyfriend? I totally forgot who asked me this question in which context. Anyways, she probs thinks you hate the mandude because you didn't listen to him babbling about how hot Katy Perry is or Resident Evil 3. These are the two most common reasons in my experience.

How do I stop consuming? (see also: How can I stop my addiction to American TV series?) You can't and you won't. Cheers.

Will people come to our exhibition? Yes, definitely. It's on 22nd of October in "Das Werk" (Neulerchenfelderstraße 6-8, 1160 Wien). There's gonna be lots of art, music, love and decadence. If you don't come, I will hate you. Like forevs.

What is better: using a condom - which you hate - or having a brainfuck because your menstruation is late? There's plenty of other options, babyhoney. Did you ever hear about these things attached to your arms? They're called hands. And all the other stuff Darwin invented (Anyways. Act safely and responsibly. Seriously. Not kidding here).

via

Do I go to the toilet too often? No.

Do I have a crush on James Franco? Quite possibly.

via

How does one get over a break up? Jameson. Long answer to be discussed below.

The 5 Stages of Grief Exemplified Through Popculture

Have you been left because you're too good-looking and intelligent? Did you leave your partner because you couldn't agree on Apple vs. Microsoft? And now you kind of regret it, because your PC has a virus AGAIN and your better half is not there to lend you his/her Powerbook to watch the last episode of Gossip Girl? This is called loss. And it's serious. Like purchasing weirdly sized tampons.

1) Raw Raw Oh Lala

First, you'll experience the many beauties of denial. What? Don't know what that is. I'm not interested in it. Please let me brood in my indifference for now. Thanks. Where is the remote control?

Music: Everything you usually listen to, Lady Gaga, Madonna, Hip Hop, R&B.

Literature: Vogue, David Sedaris.

Art: Keith Haring, Andy Warhol.
Film: Harry Potter, Tim Burton (I am well aware that Harry Potter is not yet a film director. Thanks.)

via

2) Well, they get what they want and they never want it again.

Second, you'll get angry. This is the moment in which you should go to a 90s party. There you'll get drunk, rip apart your flannel shirt and scream from the top of your lungs. This is also the phase in which you might discover a short-term half-hearted interest in 3rd wave feminism (in case you're a woman).

Music: Hole, L7, Bikini Kill, Violent Femmes.

Literature: Matias Faldbakken, Thomas Bernhard.

Art: Georg Baselitz, Jackson Pollock (remember Short Bus? Thanks, G)

Film: Lars von Trier.

via

3) If I only could. Make a deal with god.

Third, after curing your giant hangover, you'll meet up with your unemployed friends and analyze.Your friends will be super bored of course, but if they're good humans, they'll fake mild interest in your complaining and nod from time to time.

Music: Kate Bush (Running up that Hill), Depeche Mode (Walking in my Shoes).
Literature: Cosmopolitan advice columns, Elizabeth Gilbert.

Art: some shit from the 19th century,

Film: some of the darker Woody Allen stuff.

via

4) Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head.

Later that night, you'll walk home and process your sad panda feelings. You'll find out that no one loves you, and although you're so very entertaining, you're gonna sleep alone at night.

Music: The Smiths, Joy Division.

Literature: Ingeborg Bachmann, Sylvia Plath.

Art: Egon Schiele, Martina Abramovic.

Film: David Lynch, Titanic.

via
(That gown is mighty cool. Can I have it in my size, please?)

5) I will survive.

Just kidding, everyone loves you! After some couple of centuries you'll have arrived at a stage of acceptance. Congratulations, it's time to move on and find someone new who doesn't know all your negative character traits, or that your family is horribly loud, or that you actually had really crappy 80s hair as a kid.

Music: Gloria Gaynor, New Order, Iggy Pop, Florence and the Machine.

Literature: Shakespeare (the lighter stuff).

Art: Asgar/ Gabriel

Film: Breakfast at Tiffany's, and all the other Hollywood movies made from 1930 to 1965.

via

How can I have MY questions answered? Submit them in the comment section or at FB. Or ask me personally. I charge much less than your psychoanalyst.

Full of Grace

I love your new cowboy hat! Let's celebrate! The weekend saw me thinking about "The September Issue" a lot, which I have to talk about immediately or I'll explode. And no one wants me to explode because who is gonna clean up all the bits and pieces? For those of you who don't know what "The September Issue" is, here are two options:

a) It is a documentary about the making of the biggest and heaviest Vogue issue in history, reaching an audience of approximately 13 million people.

b) It is me trying to figure out what to do with my grown-up life by September.

Surprise! The more correcter answer is a). (and yes, I just wrote this sentence on purpose because I'm a funny lady. So funny even Anna Wintour has to smile a little. Because I dress like a hobo on bubble tea. I also wanted to say that I detest people saying stuff like "Show me your beautiful smile, honey". I'm gonna show you something else. And it ain't got nothing to do with rainbows and panda bears, I guarantee).

via

I haven't extensively talked/ ranted about fashion in the longest time, so here is the trailer for "The September Issue":



From this preview it looks like Anna Wintour is the star of the show, but actually it's Grace Coddington. She is the fashion editor of US Vogue, former 60s Welsh (!) model, occupant of one of these NY brownstones I'd like to own, and wearer of the most fabonkulous red mane in the history of red manes. Ms. Coddington is also a stubborn Don Quijote fighting against the windmills of commercialism and defending substantial beauty while being surrounded by shallow uglyness.

via

(Grace Coddington at the Cover of British Vogue) via

Besides igniting my appreciation for Ms. Coddington, the documentary also made me think about the differences/connections between fashion and style, art and commerce, feminism and beauty. Since my brain suffered severe weakening caused by another wonderful weekend, I'll let someone else speak. This comment is taken from a Q&A with Guardian's fashion writer Hadley Freeman.

"Fashion is supposed to be about giving grown women self-confidence, pleasure and maybe even a strut in their stride. It is not supposed to make them want to resemble baby animals who can barely walk across the room. This seems to be an increasingly common misconception."

- Shitting babies can be rock stars too.

via

- Accessories will solve the climate crisis. Sort of.

via

- "Ugly Shoes. A Brief History" shows three pairs I own. Guess which. Winner gets appreciation and short hug, because long hugs make me uncomfortable. Why? Because I'm an oh so special INFJ.

- How-to-guide for recycling your pets. Chapter 1: Making bags out of your dearest cat.

via

- I really want to have a Russian winter hat made out of this little critter:

via

Mad World

Initially I wanted to post "Top 3 Historical Plagues" and "Top 5 Worst Summer Fashion", but I got so annoyed and scared by the latter, that I decided to write about something positive instead. But before, a little newsflash:

Bachelorette parties are real fun in case you're not the bride. If I should ever get married, I will not allow a party to take place because I fear cold-blooded revenge from my sister (also: I'm Katy "Fucking" Fitch! who the fuck are you?) (also: the girl working at the Diesel store in Vienna totally looks like Effy) (also: this information is irrelevant for most of you because you don't know what the hell I'm actually talking about) (also: go see Skins ASAP in case you want to take part in our Skins-themed party) (also: I'll dress up as Panda Poo).

via

I wanted to see Eclipse yesterday to carry out an anthropological experiment involving teenage girls, group hysteria and shameless objectification of Brits. My strictly scientific participant observation couldn't be carried out though. That's why I saw Before Sunrise again, which involves a lot more talking, actual pre-marital sex, and Vienna.

I re-positioned some of my books. This time, I colorschemed them. Like my socks.

There is new advise in the category "How to live": In case you're PMSing, don't go to a place where sweets are expensive. In honor of this very useful recommendation I made a pie chart illustrating why sometimes it's hard to be a woman.

I admit that this pie chart exaggerates the percentaged intake of chocolates. Sometimes it's also about committing carbizide.

There is clear photo evidence that Amy Macdonald has an evil twin sister:

via
(It's Katy Perry in case you wondered)

Mad Men will start its 4th season on Sunday evening. These are some of the things I wish to happen:

1) Don Draper and Joan Holloway hook up. This would be like Christmas and Easter, coffee and cigarrettes, Jack White and Allison Mosshart, Gin and Tonic, me and Johnny, the pope and hypocrisy.

via and via

2) The art department uses Helvetica more often.

3) Bob Dylan gets his album cover designed by Sterling Cooper.

4) Peggy gets equal pay.

5) The African American elevator operator gets a really good job.

6) Sterling Cooper hires Andy Warhol. Andy Warhol has an affair with Sal resulting in happiness and screenprints.

These things probs won't take place soon, but on the other hand who would've thought that the English guy's foot would've gotten lacerated by a lawn-mower in season 3?

This week's Gender Fuck Award for re-wording Florence and the Machine lyrics goes to madmad: "A chick with a dick is better than none".

Here's a very sweet video of a cute baby bear to get your mind off the whole Don & Joan situation:

MY NY MY NY MY

Hello people-inos. There's two to twenty things I'm gonna write about today, so let's see how tired and snarky I'll be at the end of the post. My tired count right now is 3 and my snarkiness count is 4.

First of all, as you perhaps already noticed, you cute human apes, I changed the blog design a little. Not sure I like it, I'm gonna see. Do I really think that baby blue goes with blood red? Maybe. Additionally, I wanted to say that I really like your glasses, strawberry milkshakes and hovering cats. Thanks.

Second, I updated the link collection in the left sidebar. It now includes lovely ordinarypeople: collaborative art project vienna. I'm deeply honored to be their resident press bitch. They'll fire me soon, because I write convulated sentences full of relative clauses, which are like that, and long listings: academic vocabulary, 19th century metaphors, abbrvtns, you name it. We're in the process of organizing the bestest ever performance exhibition to date in Vienna (maybe the second bestest since Valie Export's breast box in the 70s. We don't want to be too pretentious). I'll keep you updated. That's both a promise and a threat. Here's two of the artists we'll hope to work with:

by Thomas Seiger via

by Zwupp! via

I hereby also take the opportunity to shamelessy promote clmty, i.e. Viennese design par excellence, lost in footage, a blog for all the fearless German readers among you, No Silent Night, who are gonna play a fabonkulous gig in B72 on Independence Day and pop:sch, my electro heroes.

Third, the Haus of Gagayonce happening has been set to take place on the 24th of July 2010. Get your calendars ready and put some glitter on the date!

Hawt like Mexico! via

What else, maidens and boys? I watched The Runaways, which was a surprisingly good rock'n'roll movie and probably the first movie I saw this year passing the Bechdel Test. I had very low expectations in the beginning since it was marketed as a female Velvet Goldmine. Let me tell you something here. It's not possible to ever make a movie like VG again. Ever. The Runaways was NOT a female Velvet Goldmine, mostly because there was far less whimsical stuff happening (like Oscar Wilde being delivered to planet earth by an alien space ship). Also, KStew had weirder hair than Ewan McGregor, which is fine, because it's set in the 70s and it was mostly taking place in California, not in the motherland. Everything else was exactly the same.

This one has a top 3 place re: most terrible/awesome album covers in glamrock history via

I have two main topics in mind for this post. The first idea is to write a boring nostalgic/sentimental piece about New York City. The second possibility is to make a "Top 3 List of Historic Medical Plagues That Freak Me Out and Keep Me From my Well-Deserved Sleep at Night". Although I prefer the latter one, I sort of have to stick to the first one, because I'm a member of the AA (Americans Anonymous) and today is an important day:

My name is jive and I haven't had a drop of NYC in one year. And although I feel quite accomplished and I am at least a 197° well-rounded *cough* person, I would leave the Top Model House immediately if someone would endow me with a 300 m2 loft in the West Village and a life-long supply of Vitamin Water, Whole Foods foods, creme cheese sesame bagels, Brooklyn Lager and Parliament cigarettes (I once bought a pack for 11$! It's gotten so costly to destroy one's health).

So here is why I like Gotham so much:

1) When you think of 'city', the first thing that pops up in your head is probably a picture of New York. It's the material and pop-cultural embodiment of urban life. I love cities, so it's only consequential for me to love New York, the mum and dad of cities (I haven't been to Asia or Africa yet, so my perspective is biased by the destinations I travelled. I'm open to change my opinion).

Completely random taxi driver via

2) No one gives a shit. You can dress like a gothic mermaid or do some Open Air disco rollerskating in spandex. It's OK. It's fine. It's encouraged. Since there's plenty of colorful fish in the sea, you have to try harder than anywhere else. Here is how to begin your journey:



3) It will never be boring. NY is a big fat machine invented to distract you from everything you were taught to find important.

4) It's truly never dull. For anyone. The city is basically what you make of it, a white canvas handing you over an endless amount of crayons. You're a grandma? Go watch Cats. You have a moustache and wear vintage shoes? Move to Williamsburg. You are Michel from Gilmore Girls? Let's meet in the Village.

random pic of Patti Smith just because she's cool via

5) The subway runs the whole night (it can be a little creepy though).

6) The residents are a truthfully sarcastic and hilarious asshole-y people, which I very much prefer to other kinds of Americans (No offense intended, dear Americans. You are usually much friendlier and more polite than Europeans) (No offense intended, Europeans. You have the better food).

7) It's such a powerful thought to know that at every moment - night and day - you're surrounded by millions of highly diverse people experiencing every human condition imaginable. All in walking distance.

8) There's less dog poo than in Vienna.

Rihanna and her two handbags immediately pop up if you google "dog" + "new york" via

That was that and this is it. Tune in next time, when it's finally time for ***SPOILER ALERT*** cholera, the bubonic plague and smallpox! Yeah!

tiredness count: 6
snarkiness count: 8
have to pee count: 10

Musicals Part 2

Look at you! Your ankles are totally not fat! I know you've been waiting for this post passionately, sitting in the darkest corner of your emo room, desperately hugging a man arm pillow and crying your lacrimal fluids out. After writing Musicals Part 1, a lot of things happened that deepened my passion for the medium:

1) Glee returned after a long winter hiatus and featured performances by Doogie Howser, MD and Maureen/Elphaba, as well as songs by our dear Lady G, Madonna, The Doors, Beck, and perm queen Bonnie Tyler. Although I didn't appreciate the finale very much, because it didn't show a 2-hour shooting in a hospital in Seattle (spoiler alert FAIL), my appreciation of the show is a never-ending story (until something better comes along).

via

2) I have been questioned for my adoration of musicals. Here are some of the other things I have been critizised for lately:

- I don't listen (because you say stupid things)

- I'm sexist (LOL)

- I'm a poser (and what?)

- I'm not a good singer (point)

- I’m putting people in boxes (yes, and you wanna know what’s written on YOUR box?)

- I'm too pale (Edward is pale too and he can fly and bite people and stuff)

- I'm arrogant (Newsflash!)

So this post is partly a matter of defense, partly a matter of I'm-gonna-rub-the-awesomeness-of-(some)-musicals-in-your-face-attack.

3) Everyone's life right now sort of resembles a trashy musical: there's bits of drama, singing, dancing, weird acting, performances, tacky costumes and sometimes people even get applauded for it. See you at the Tony Awards, pookies [I really don't know why the font is so small here. Ask Google)

I humbly admit, musicals can be horrible pieces of non-tainment emanating an air of grandma-suited distraction for the stupid classes. But as with many other things in life, they just are what you make of it. Here are some more examples of musicals I enjoy:

Rocky Horror (Picture) Show

The cult classic that cemented my adoration for the medium and also inspired one half of my glamrock name. I have to admit, I never saw it on stage, but I watched the movie so often that I probably lost a year of my precious life with it. It's so full of film and art references, layers and well-placed obscenities, that I never got sick of RHPS.

via

And if you ever happen to be around a theater doing a midnight screening of RHPS, put some freaky make-up on, wear a pair of ripped fishnets, get some rice and cleaning gloves, and celebrate the night away (if you need more specifities on the latter topic, ask me offline in a secure environment without internet spies).

Cry Baby

Another John Waters example of the craft called bad taste musical assemblance. It features the likes of Johnny Depp and Iggy Pop. Cry Baby succeeds in bringing licking to a new level (I won't get mononucleosis, will I?). Somewhere Dr. Frank’n’Furter sits in his trans-alien castle and is crying. The costumes are one third Mad Men, one third punk, and one third classic rock’n’roll. Maybe also one third jail couture, but then it would be 133,33% and that’s just confusing to my social science brain. I also wonder how many calories tears have? Are they a hygienic beverage?

via

Wicked

I saw Wicked last summer after having endured one year of constant Wicked referencing, Karaoke singing and general nerve wrecking (love you, honey!). So after this lengthy psychological torture I simply gave up and watched the show. At the first scene my entourage and I giggled a lot because it was probably the most ridiculous thing a human has ever seen on stage (it even tops Euridike having sex with a giant godly fly). There was a dragon with diamond sparkly eyes emanating fog and Glinda, the protagonist, hovering over the choir wearing the most outragous fairy dress ever made. Not surprisingly she also had a giant glitter wand in her hand (the musical is about witches or whatever).

via

Although (or because) the musical is so intentionally over-the-top and green, it never loses it’s ironic appeal and it even provides some refreshing „seriousness“ in between. I’d sell my pinkie shampoo that doesn’t work on my hair to see Wicked with the original Broadway cast.

Honorary mentions: Funny Girl, Spring Awakening (haven’t seen it yet, looks promising), Altar Boyz, La Cage aux Folles, West Side Story, Hair, Hedwig and the Angry Inch, Avenue Q, Moulin Rouge, Chicago (partly), Cabaret.

Dishonorary mentions: Cats, Phantom of the Opera, Tanz der Vampire (haven’t seen it, don’t want to see it, don’t like it), Starlight Express (Is that even a musical? Have you no shame?), everything they play in Vienna forever and ever and ever until the Wicked Witch of the West or the sweet transvestites from Transsexual, Transsylvania will come to free us from this oppression.

Haus of Gagayoncé

Oh my! Your fingernails are so shiny today! This is gonna be one of these posts that doesn't have any particular topic. I'm just writing whatever comes to mushy mind.

- Thanks to Bavarian M, a.k.a. Lady Gaga #2, for her suggestion to watch "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" in the first place. I salute your popcultural wisdom!

- In reaction to my last post, many lovely readers brought additional amazing imaginary bands to my attention, e.g. Alvin and the Chipmunks, Josie and the Pussycats, and The Fabulous Stains. If you haven't heard of the latter, this girl punk band appears in the 80s movie "Ladies and Gentlemen, the Fabulous Stains", starring a SUPERyoung Diane Lane and lots of Siouxsieesque eye make-up (I haven't seen it yet, but it looks convincingly cringeworthy/ fabulous).

via

- For everyone who always wanted to see two (very likely) intoxicated girls wearing popstar costumes without pants and acting ridiculously embarrassing in public, there is great news! You don't have to visit Brighton on a Saturday night anymore, since the action will take place in a city near you. I have been challenged by a Lady がが and now I can't chicken out anymore or I will lose my pop honor, because once you kill a cow you gotta make the burger.

via

If you want to be part of our Entourage - or as we insiders refer to it, our "Haus of Gagayoncé" - get some fabulous outfits, move your derrière over here and together we will exult the night away. Although we appreciate you knowing the whole back catalogue, by heart, mainly concentrate on rehearsing Bad Romance, Single Ladies, Telephone and Pokerface (the Glee version, pleaaaase). If you need inspiration on how to express yourself humbly through dancing with props, I suggest you watch this. If you need motivational help with your singing while wearing a bear on your hat, watch this.

via

- Apropos furry headwear: Benjamin Franklin supposedly wore his rustic beaver hat during official events while he lived in France. He did this in order to underline his hearty American heritage. Remember, this was at a time when Marie Antoinette had ships in her hair sculptures. Joy! Love! I have to pee!

via and via

- Marina Abramovic does amazing performance art in the MOMA. Did I already mention this? She must be totally de-hydrated!

- With the help of G, I figured out one of the composite factors that contribute to being a grown-up --> ironic distance from teenagehood = 5% nostalgia and 95% relief that it's all over now, baby blue. A shoelace that is actually a guitar string becomes a logistical problem as soon as you try to tie it. Three bottles of green hairspray sound good in theory, but they fail to provide clean bathrooms after usage, causing mother-daughter-relations to plummet. I should really do a post on the wrongness of teenage style choices. Good excuse to talk about werewolves. Also, why is there no Team Bella? Feminism, anyone?

via

- Ah, great bridge! The Seven Sisters decided to open up an eight franchise in the Ukrainian woods. These Eastern Wendys are trained in martial arts and presumably don't eat ice cream for breakfast.

photography by Guillaume Herbaut via

- Something completely different: the Aids Conference 2010 is going to take place in Vienna and it'll be huge (they even delayed the Life Ball because of it!). They need volunteers to get the whole thing running smoothly, so if you don't have plans for July 18- 23, register here. I can help you organize a free place to sleep, of course.

- I nearly forgot. There's gonna be a SKINS movie coming out in 2011! Reportedly, it will combine the casts of both generations, which makes me wonder how long this film will be. I don't care about Freddy, but please lovely writers, bring back Chris! He is so charming in his idiocy.

Top 5 Imaginary Bands and Too Many Other Things

It's been quite a long time, beautiful people. Since we last saw each other, I made my very successful debut as a Bonnie Tyler impersinator. See this as a way to pay my Beyoncé debt, ok?

via

So here's an update on the generalities and specificities of life:

• Elena Kagan is going to be on the Supreme Court (I'm probably the only person here who cares. Whatever. It's my blog. Ha!)

• There's new findings on an incredibly weird animal called "mole rat" aka "sabre-toothed sausage". We can all learn a lot from this creature. For example, that uglyness is totally OK. If you live under mother earth's surface.

• Courtney Love is a never-ending source of entertainment. She's supposedly "good in bed", "doesn't appreciate Burberry very much", and is overall someone I really have to see in concert before being hit by a double-decker bus (so I might die with a smile on my face after all). There's an interesting piece by resident hilarious girl Rachel Shukert about growing up in the 90s and having to defend Courtney against the angry attacks of traumatized Cobain fans. Haven't we all been there? (on one side or another?). With all the media attention that she provokes it's easy to oversee the fact that Courtney Love is an amazing singer and performer. And although I tend to laugh about her stunts and rants too, and although I'm a bit worried about her motherly performance, (understatement!), for the most part it just makes me really sad when great talent goes to waste. I want this back, please. Did anyone listen to her new album yet? I won't give up hope.

• A new piece of functional fashion has been invented, part overall, part pyjama, all pajamarall!


• NSFW***And last but not least some treats on sex & dating because it's spring (good excuse, isn't it?): Jaclyn Friedman talks about "Fucking while Feminist", semen does consist of a variety of exotic ingredients, and the youth of today is prone to multitask. The actual topic of this post is, of course, less trivial than previous paragraphs. Since my epic research on "springtime topics" (= euphemism FAIL) is not quite finalized yet, I chose to select my Top 5 Imaginary Bands in Movies/TV.

5) Mystik Spiral from "Daria"

via

Notice here that Trent is the only guy who is allowed to wear a soul-patch. Ever. And he's a comic figure. Am I Ms. Picky? Yes. Am I right? Yes.

4) Jared Leto in "My so-called Life"

via

Oh my. And Ricky and her thought the song was about her. Red Hair Fail.

3) Hedwig and the Angry Inch from "Hedwig and the Angry Inch"

via

What a strange title you might ask? To which I respond: Go and watch the movie to fully appreciate the band's name! The film has plenty of fun for everyone: girls, boys, in-betweeners, Rentheads, Michael Pitt fanatics (you know who you are, honey!). John Cameron Mitchell, the director, writer and protagonist of the musical, also made "Shortbus" which is a movie you should definitely not watch with your mom.

2) Hey, That's My Bike in "Reality Bites"

via

Another one of these 90s boys with greasy hair, bad posture and questionable hygiene. I didn't know for quite a long time that this is a Violent Femmes cover. Doesn't reduce my admiration. And now, define irony and spell Evian backwards.

1) Curt Wild and the Rats from "Velvet Goldmine"

via

There's so many amazing performers in this movie, I had a hard time chosing my favorite. In the end, I went with Curt because I love myself some raw Iggy/ Lou/ Mick. The wearing (or non wearing) of skinny pants, leather jackets and eyeliner is also very much appreciated. Thanks a lot, 70s! Thanks a lot, Todd Haynes (who is a genius btw)!

* Note: I couldn't think of any ground-breaking imaginary female bands in movies. All I could come up with is Snape oogling Rose DeWitt Bukater while she sings something very soprano-ish. Any ideas? (and no, "The Runaways" does NOT count).

Don't Rain On My Parade

Ladies and gentlemen,

Your hands look very manicured today. Well done, homo sapiens.

Did you know that dolphins are just gay sharks? Me neither. But thanks to the new episode of Glee I do. I waited for so long for the series to continue. But it was worth the excruciating emotional pain I felt every time a network decided to put a beloved TV-series on hiatus (I'm talking to you, Californication. And to you, My so-called Life). Some people are so happy that Glee is on air again, they decided to dance their hearts out. In public places. All over the world.

Here are some reasons I wish my high school had had a Glee club (It actually did. But I was with the art losers and not with the musical weirdos. I was busy painting tree-shaped rectangles and shit). If I were Rachel, I would do the following:

1) If I would have a strong feeling like anger, hurt, love, or ambition, mysterious music would suddenly start playing and I would just break out singing a dramatic ballad like it was the most natural thing on earth. Dancers would appear out of nowhere and guitar players in wheelchairs would flow around. In real life (at least in British movies) this kind of behavior leads to being a social outcast. In Glee you'll get squisheed but you'll also be an amazing star. Like Rachel Berry *puts a star here*


2) I would wear outrageous dresses: "She looked like Pippi Longstocking - but like Israeli"

via www.fanpop.com

3) I would rehearse "Defying Gravity" every day. Not just every two days, like I do now.

4) SPOILER ALERT! Idina Menzel would be my mum. Maybe.

5) I would craft a relationship calendar in which my jock boyfriend's face and mine would be photoshopped onto cute cat pictures.


6) I would very much look forward to the day I would perform every notable Madonna song in appropriate gear WITHOUT the occasion being a costume party at my own place.

via www.idolator.com

7) I would be a rising and beautiful female nerd. But no one needs to be Rachel Berry to live just that. Am I right? Now go and rehearse. Shoo shoo!

Something else: I'm really obsessed with Venn Diagrams, so I made one myself. Here it is: